Thursday, 17 November 2011

Happy Wedding Day To You

My ex-husband is getting married again on Sunday.
Congratulations to him and his new wife, from the old wife and kids.

Im sure the children would have loved to give their father hugs and kisses on his big day, if they had been invited that is! 
To be fair to my ex, he is in Australia, so the children would  not have been attending anyway, but its the principle that gets me. He saw fit to send out invitations to every aunt, cousin and second cousin twice removed, knowing full well that none of them could afford to fly to Australia, therefore one can safely deduce that it was an act that served no other purpose than to simply be polite.
Why then did he not see fit to extend that politeness to his own children?
He did not need to invite me....I would probably have written a rage filled blog on the topic if he had invited me, but his children are different.

Perhaps it is not the done thing to have your children from your first marriage present at your next marriage?
Perhaps after all this time he has actually forgotten their names and who they are?
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps!

Truth is, I dont know whats going on in his head any more than I know how I feel on the whole topic.
I genuinely dont know how I feel that he is getting married again in the beautiful sunshine, surrounded by wealth and happiness......bitter,.... perhaps???

I do wish them both happiness and a lifetime full of love....the life that he and I could not have together. I just wish that he doesnt forget his children.
They may be a reminder to him and his new wife of a life she had no part in,  but they are here and always will be and he has to remember that, in more ways than a cheque every month.
Phonecalls to his children have become few and far between as he has "been really busy with the wedding!" - PRIORITIES!!!!!

I think Im happy for him; I think Im angry at him; I think Im a bit jealous; I think Im hurt for my children. I know Im confused about it all!!

Any answers as to what I should feel or how to manage the confusion of it all are welcomed!!!

Happy Wedding Day to my ex-husband.....May it be all you ever dreamed of!

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Dear Santa Claus....

Dear Santa Claus,

I am a bit sceptical about writing to you with a list of wishes for the festive period, however, my two children assure me that you are the man to ask. They are adamant that as long as I have behaved myself over the last year then your powers to deliver my requests are endless. They put forward a very compelling agument so, as I have(unfortunately) been very good this year,  I'm going to give it a go and here's my list for Christmas!

I would like.......

i)A long lie. I dont want to sleep all day but if you could see fit to help my children sleep past 5am, just once throughout the year it would be great. I would be happy to settle for them being at least quiet at 5am, rather than waking up to bad singing and even worse drumming (yeah - meant to thank you for the drum kit you brought my son last year, cheers for that!)

ii) Sanity. I'd hate to be 'normal' and I realise that even you could not deliver a perfectly calm and rational family environment, but I often look at others who have that quality of 'sanity' and I think I'd like to experience that. It looks nice and they appear to have that control and capability to manage life that I am always seeking. You've seen me and my home so you'll know what I mean - I'd like to try living like the Brady Bunch for a day rather than One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest!

iii) A 36 Hour Day. I realise that this one may even be beyond you, but I thought I'd ask anyway. You see 24hrs is just not long enough. Well it would be if I didnt sleep, ever, but because there are only 24 hours then I get tired so need to sleep. If I had another 12 hours or so life would be a breeze,  I could work, write, play with the children AND do my housework! At the moment I cant quite fit it all in, so my house permanently looks like Beirut on a bad day and for reasons mentioned in request (i) I am in a state of constant sleep deprivation! I realise that this request may be better suited for Jesus, or God, but I didn't really want to bother them what with the upcoming birthday celebrations!!

iv)Money. This is a big one! Millions would be out of this world and hundreds of thousands would be mind blowing, but I'm not greedy and even a few hundred or perhaps a few thousand would be great. I'm not poverty stricken (yet!) but the children are becoming increasingly frustrated at my following them aound all day pulling their jumpers to stetch them and balancing their trousers precariously on their hips so that they at least look as though they fit! Oh, and my car is in need of a mjor overhaul, my daughter is developing PTSD with the explosions that happen everytime I start the engine, and I have my doubts if the little banger will survive the harsh Scottish winter!

v)A bestelling book. I'm working hard to try and change our lives at the moment. I got into a rut and am dragging myself out of it by attempting to write a book on being a single parent. Its poignant, and hopefully, funny! If you could go out your way to make it a bestseller then that would be great, and would hopefully take care of my previous request at the same time - that may save you a bit of time as I know you must be busy! I'm considerate like that!!

vi)Bladder Retention. I know having two children in three years was always going to take its toll on my bladder muscles, but I'm tired of having to pee all the time! I'v had to pee four times when writing this blog, and to be frank, its a pain in the neck when I'm out with the kids, who get most annoyed at having to watch me pee in every shop we go into! My three year old son suggested that I could wear a nappy to soft play recently so that he did not have to repeatedly come out to traipse to the toilet with me and his sister!! I considered it but thought I'd ask you first before resorting to such measures!

vii)Injectable Caffeine. It would make life much easier if I could have an injection of caffeine a few times a day. I need caffeine as much as I need air and water, but neither of my children are so keen to actually let me sit and enjoy a cup of coffee. The minute I sit down with the mug of hot nectar I turn into a magnet, drawing them to me with a sudden desire for cuddles and tickles and basically anything that involves them clambering all over me, whilst I sit there like a human climbing wall staring longily at the coffee I cant consume! I can sit and cherish my caffeine fix at nights when my cherubs are sleeping, but this then conflicts with requests (i) and (vi) as when I do eventually fall asleep I need to get up a dozen times to visit the bathroom!

So there it is Santa, what I would really love for Christmas! There are many many more things I would like such as a Caribbean holiday and a wild night of passion with Johnny Depp but I thought I would keep my list realistic!

I really hope you can find the time to even fit in one of my requests, but, if you can't then the handmade cards, half eaten then re-wrapped chocolates, and bunch of dead dandelions that I got last year will be treasured just as much!!

Kindest Regards,
Lisa x

Friday, 4 November 2011

Top Ten Reasons Why I Will Never Berate my Childrens Father.

My ex-husband was not a nice husband, and toward the end of our marriage became a man that I was frightened of and who insulted me daily.
As much as it hurt and the divorce was painful, I never openly berate him. My family despise him but they too know that if I ever heard them utter a negative about him in my home then I would have something to say about it.
Its not easy for me to do this, I have hurt and pain in me and a lot of anger too, but I will never openly berate him and here's the top ten reasons why....

1. He is the father of my two wonderul children. True, he is an absent father who now lives on the other side of the world and has never even met his daughter, but he is their father nonetheless. They have the right to believe that he is a good man who loves them. Telling them this offers them security and comfort that is beyond my understanding.

2. I once loved him very deeply and out of all the hurt and anguish came the two most beautiful gifts in the whole world, my children, and I acknowledge that without him, I would not have my children, and therefore I am grateful, not resentful.

3. He may not be the perfect father but he in his own way is being all the father he can by sending some money every month and remembering birthdays and Christmas. In years to come I will always be able to tell my children that their father may never forgot them entirely.

4. I dont have the energy to hate him or to spew forth insults about him. What is in the past is in the past, and I have much better things to focus my energy managing two toddlers everyday!

5. He does love his children, I knwo in his heart that he does, and despite not being present in their day to day lives, he has not forsaken them completely.

6. "It does not matter who my father was; It matters who I remember he was" - my children will grow remembering a father who loved them from afar, but loved them all the same. Hopefully this may go a long way to preventing the hurt and anger that they may feel when they reach adolescence and adulthood.

7. I maintain my dignity and self-respect, long ago lost but now regained, by holding my head high and facing what life throws at me as a single parent, without bitterness and contempt for anyone else.

8. I love my father with my heart and soul, and I know that my ex-husband does not reflect fathers worldwide; that he is the minority, and I want to encourgae my son to grow into a wonderful father himself one day. I can achieve this by not criticising or condeming his own fathre or men in general.

9. To spend time and energy berating their father would be to make an issue that he is absent in their lives, and I do not want to do this. They know in their own little hearts and souls that something is missing without me making an issue out of it. Life is what it is, and I strive everyday to make life a better place for my little family. None of us need reminding that their father is not here, so we simply accept it.

10. Again, he if the father of my children and children deserve innocence and every child deserves to believe that their parents are the most wonderful, powerful beings on earth. I am not going to be the one to take that away from my children. It would be no less cruel than telling them that Santa was dead!!

So there you are, the reasons why despite the hurt and pain, I am fiercely protective of my childrens opinion of their father, whilst I can still influence it. They will grow into adults and form their own opinions on their fathers absence in their lives but for now, I can provided them with a little security and comfort that comes from the belief that they have a good father who loves them more than words, he simply works far far away so cannot see them.

It appears to be working so far......I just hope its the right way to be and only time will tell!!!

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Guilty Nightshifts!!!

It's just left half past four and I am trying to mentally and physically motivate myself for working night-shift for the next two nights! It's not working - my get up and go for nursing got up and went a long time ago and I am struggling to find the enthusiasm I once had!!

The children have been safely deposited at my mothers for the night, and after nightshift I will pick them up and try to spend some time with them tomorrow before having to then drop them at my fathers for another overnight stay, whilst I go back to work!!
All my shifts are tiring, but nightshifts come with a self-imposed sleep deprivation! Out of guilt at being away all night I can never bear to come home and then sleep all day - the guilt would suffocate me, and my parents do welcome the respite when i stay awake to spend some time with the children!!

I alwasy thought I knew what it was to feel guilty.....dear God, the word takes on a whole new dimension when you become a parent. Now, I feel guilty about EVERYTHING!!! I feel guilty about the things I do and the things I dont do, and even the things I thought about doing!!

So my next few days will be spend in a sleepless state, but at least I will be able to fit in some quality time with the kids and my parents will have some needed rest time!

And I can looking forward to a birthday party on Saturday - one of my closest friends little boy turns two today and so Saturday will see us all joining in the hysteria that is uniqe to a room full of toddlers loaded on sugar!!! By that point sleep deprivation may have given way to hysteria, and I may be the most manic of them all!!

Do you feel guilty? Did it change when you bacame a parent?
What is the main thing that induces parent-guilt within you?
How do you manage it?

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

The 'Other' Grandparents!

I received a very warm text today from my ex-husbands parents declaring their love and desire to still be a part of the childrens and my life.
I change my mind daily on this matter.
Should I be actively promoting a relationship between the children and their 'other' grandparents?
Or, do I cut ties and focus on my own life, and the childrens?

When my ex-husband moved to Australia, leaving me 5 months pregnant with an 18month old son, he chose to leave, but where does that leave his parents? They didnt leave, it was not their decision to abandon their grandchildren therefore part of me thinks that they should not miss out.
However, I am no longer part of that family and my children barely know them, and to be honest, it is bloody hard seeing them act as though nothing happened, and that it is perfectly justifiable that their son is on the other side of the world whilst I raise our children on my own!
Add into the mix that they are soon to have a new daughter-in-law as my ex-husband remarries this month and I am left with many unanswered confusing questions as to what is the right thing to do for my children and myself!!

Has anyone else ever faced this situation?
What would you do?
Is it my responsibility to encourgae the children to meet their other grandparents, or did my ex-husband relinquish their rights to see their grandchildren when he relinquished his own paternal rights??

Its a difficult and emotive area, and maybe there is no answer!!