My ex-husband was not a nice husband, and toward the end of our marriage became a man that I was frightened of and who insulted me daily.
As much as it hurt and the divorce was painful, I never openly berate him. My family despise him but they too know that if I ever heard them utter a negative about him in my home then I would have something to say about it.
Its not easy for me to do this, I have hurt and pain in me and a lot of anger too, but I will never openly berate him and here's the top ten reasons why....
1. He is the father of my two wonderul children. True, he is an absent father who now lives on the other side of the world and has never even met his daughter, but he is their father nonetheless. They have the right to believe that he is a good man who loves them. Telling them this offers them security and comfort that is beyond my understanding.
2. I once loved him very deeply and out of all the hurt and anguish came the two most beautiful gifts in the whole world, my children, and I acknowledge that without him, I would not have my children, and therefore I am grateful, not resentful.
3. He may not be the perfect father but he in his own way is being all the father he can by sending some money every month and remembering birthdays and Christmas. In years to come I will always be able to tell my children that their father may never forgot them entirely.
4. I dont have the energy to hate him or to spew forth insults about him. What is in the past is in the past, and I have much better things to focus my energy on......like managing two toddlers everyday!
5. He does love his children, I knwo in his heart that he does, and despite not being present in their day to day lives, he has not forsaken them completely.
6. "It does not matter who my father was; It matters who I remember he was" - my children will grow remembering a father who loved them from afar, but loved them all the same. Hopefully this may go a long way to preventing the hurt and anger that they may feel when they reach adolescence and adulthood.
7. I maintain my dignity and self-respect, long ago lost but now regained, by holding my head high and facing what life throws at me as a single parent, without bitterness and contempt for anyone else.
8. I love my father with my heart and soul, and I know that my ex-husband does not reflect fathers worldwide; that he is the minority, and I want to encourgae my son to grow into a wonderful father himself one day. I can achieve this by not criticising or condeming his own fathre or men in general.
9. To spend time and energy berating their father would be to make an issue that he is absent in their lives, and I do not want to do this. They know in their own little hearts and souls that something is missing without me making an issue out of it. Life is what it is, and I strive everyday to make life a better place for my little family. None of us need reminding that their father is not here, so we simply accept it.
10. Again, he if the father of my children and children deserve innocence and every child deserves to believe that their parents are the most wonderful, powerful beings on earth. I am not going to be the one to take that away from my children. It would be no less cruel than telling them that Santa was dead!!
So there you are, the reasons why despite the hurt and pain, I am fiercely protective of my childrens opinion of their father, whilst I can still influence it. They will grow into adults and form their own opinions on their fathers absence in their lives but for now, I can provided them with a little security and comfort that comes from the belief that they have a good father who loves them more than words, he simply works far far away so cannot see them.
It appears to be working so far......I just hope its the right way to be and only time will tell!!!