Dear Santa Claus,
I am a bit sceptical about writing to you with a list of wishes for the festive period, however, my two children assure me that you are the man to ask. They are adamant that as long as I have behaved myself over the last year then your powers to deliver my requests are endless. They put forward a very compelling agument so, as I have(unfortunately) been very good this year, I'm going to give it a go and here's my list for Christmas!
I would like.......
i)A long lie. I dont want to sleep all day but if you could see fit to help my children sleep past 5am, just once throughout the year it would be great. I would be happy to settle for them being at least quiet at 5am, rather than waking up to bad singing and even worse drumming (yeah - meant to thank you for the drum kit you brought my son last year, cheers for that!)
ii) Sanity. I'd hate to be 'normal' and I realise that even you could not deliver a perfectly calm and rational family environment, but I often look at others who have that quality of 'sanity' and I think I'd like to experience that. It looks nice and they appear to have that control and capability to manage life that I am always seeking. You've seen me and my home so you'll know what I mean - I'd like to try living like the Brady Bunch for a day rather than One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest!
iii) A 36 Hour Day. I realise that this one may even be beyond you, but I thought I'd ask anyway. You see 24hrs is just not long enough. Well it would be if I didnt sleep, ever, but because there are only 24 hours then I get tired so need to sleep. If I had another 12 hours or so life would be a breeze, I could work, write, play with the children AND do my housework! At the moment I cant quite fit it all in, so my house permanently looks like Beirut on a bad day and for reasons mentioned in request (i) I am in a state of constant sleep deprivation! I realise that this request may be better suited for Jesus, or God, but I didn't really want to bother them what with the upcoming birthday celebrations!!
iv)Money. This is a big one! Millions would be out of this world and hundreds of thousands would be mind blowing, but I'm not greedy and even a few hundred or perhaps a few thousand would be great. I'm not poverty stricken (yet!) but the children are becoming increasingly frustrated at my following them aound all day pulling their jumpers to stetch them and balancing their trousers precariously on their hips so that they at least look as though they fit! Oh, and my car is in need of a mjor overhaul, my daughter is developing PTSD with the explosions that happen everytime I start the engine, and I have my doubts if the little banger will survive the harsh Scottish winter!
v)A bestelling book. I'm working hard to try and change our lives at the moment. I got into a rut and am dragging myself out of it by attempting to write a book on being a single parent. Its poignant, and hopefully, funny! If you could go out your way to make it a bestseller then that would be great, and would hopefully take care of my previous request at the same time - that may save you a bit of time as I know you must be busy! I'm considerate like that!!
vi)Bladder Retention. I know having two children in three years was always going to take its toll on my bladder muscles, but I'm tired of having to pee all the time! I'v had to pee four times when writing this blog, and to be frank, its a pain in the neck when I'm out with the kids, who get most annoyed at having to watch me pee in every shop we go into! My three year old son suggested that I could wear a nappy to soft play recently so that he did not have to repeatedly come out to traipse to the toilet with me and his sister!! I considered it but thought I'd ask you first before resorting to such measures!
vii)Injectable Caffeine. It would make life much easier if I could have an injection of caffeine a few times a day. I need caffeine as much as I need air and water, but neither of my children are so keen to actually let me sit and enjoy a cup of coffee. The minute I sit down with the mug of hot nectar I turn into a magnet, drawing them to me with a sudden desire for cuddles and tickles and basically anything that involves them clambering all over me, whilst I sit there like a human climbing wall staring longily at the coffee I cant consume! I can sit and cherish my caffeine fix at nights when my cherubs are sleeping, but this then conflicts with requests (i) and (vi) as when I do eventually fall asleep I need to get up a dozen times to visit the bathroom!
So there it is Santa, what I would really love for Christmas! There are many many more things I would like such as a Caribbean holiday and a wild night of passion with Johnny Depp but I thought I would keep my list realistic!
I really hope you can find the time to even fit in one of my requests, but, if you can't then the handmade cards, half eaten then re-wrapped chocolates, and bunch of dead dandelions that I got last year will be treasured just as much!!